I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
