My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You are a genius and a whore.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
