alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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