Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
