Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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