new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
