mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
