I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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