i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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