The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
