Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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