I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
