Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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