just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
