My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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