woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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