I wanna bring you to show and tell
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
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