so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
