ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
