i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I am one with the molecules
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
