A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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