I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
