i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
