I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
there is puke in my bra ... again
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
