he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
