My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
