my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We need a shit load of segways right now
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
