dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
