Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
