I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
