I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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