2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
