We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize