Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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