who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
