i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
