How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
