Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
