i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
