Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
