Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
