DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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