The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
