We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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