well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
