I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize