She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize