Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
