I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize