Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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