This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
