im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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