who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize